Safety in Healing

Yesterday I realized on a deeper level, how important it is to feel safe when you’re on a healing journey. You can do everything under the sun to heal yourself, but if you don’t feel safe in your core, it won’t work and for sure won’t last. It might change for a while, and then catch up with you just as fast. Leaving you to feel like you’re right back to where you started.

Over the last few years, I was very present with things that occurred in my life, thinking I was releasing them while not fully doing so. I was maybe more bypassing things and overriding. One of my coping mechanisms growing up was for sure, to pretend things were fine. To put a smile on my face, no matter what was happening. Always brighten everyone else’s world, no matter what was going on inside of me. And that worked for a long time, until it caught up with me.

Over the last few months, I’ve been truly feeling everything I once suppressed in my body. And my body is guiding me through it all. It’s a very challenging phase, but a very required one. I’ve always had many things going on with my body, but looking back now I still didn’t actually understand what my body was telling me or changing my lifestyle to contribute to my health.

Sometimes you’re just sitting quietly and nothing is happening, and suddenly you feel like you’re dying because some old memory is coming up through your body. You feel the same sensation as in the past, but back then you had to be strong, to survive. You couldn’t deal with it, so your body stored it for you. And then when there’s peace and space, it will catch up with you and it wants to come to the surface. In these moments I can feel like I am totally alone in this world, stuck in my deep grief that no one will ever understand. The walls go up as high as they can, which makes the pain even worse.

Yesterday was one of these days for me again. I felt like I was suffocating, so much contraction in my body, not finding any peace or safety, pain and intense grief and sadness. Feeling like my life has mostly been this, leaving me feeling defeated and alone. So I went into what I call survival mode. I get productive, even though my body is screaming to rest and release. I cleaned, organized the house, worked on projects for hours in a row, did everything I could think of. Until late in the evening, when my body just burst. I crossed all my boundaries till I hit the ceiling. I’ve always been someone that looks for the boundaries and pushing myself till there’s nothing left to push. Not very kind I’d say.

I am so very lucky to have a deeply supportive partner by my side. Someone who is there for me unconditionally, even after I’ve had an intense day. She is always there, waiting with open arms until I’m ready to release. She held me for a long time, and I just cried and shook. Not just a few tears, but that deep, core-level crying. The kind that comes from your spine and pulsates out of you. All the sadness, all the memories. I saw so many images pass by of what I’ve been through, and it broke my heart. It was so deep and intensely sad.

And for the first time ever, I allowed myself to just feel sorry for myself for a while. To acknowledge how bad it really was, without making excuses, without making it good or smaller. This felt like such a relief, because it’s true. My body felt heard, seen and held. It took a lot of bravery and vulnerability, but in this safe space I could go there.

Niki didn’t go in it with me, she was just there. Holding the space. As I told her when I proposed to her: “you were my light when I didn’t know where it was”. She brings the peace, calm, joy and lightness that makes my heart open more and more. I’ve always known we started a journey together that will open many things for both of us. Sometimes I resented her for it, because everything from the past that was catching up with me was too intense to handle. But of course, it’s required. To move on and to have the life we dream of together. All this old baggage is not allowed to come with us, or we won’t be able to fly.

The sense of safety in Nikol’s arms, allowed me to let go something so deep. So big. So heavy. During the crying she took many deep breaths with me, held me close and visualized something beautiful. A butterfly crawling out of its cocoon and spreading her beautiful, colorful wings for the first time. Ready to fly and make the world brighter with her presence.

Today feels like such a new day. My body feels different. My mood is different. Something inside me opened, and it’s incredible. For any of you who are on a healing journey, or maybe life in general, find places or people that make you feel safe. That heal things from the inside out. You don’t have to carry around all the pain anymore. The past is gone, and the pain can stay there.

Trust me, it took a very long time before I was able to put this in writing. To find a peace of myself again after such a difficult road. And, I know I have never given up. My desire to live and love has always been louder than any pain that’s ever crossed my path. I am here to create a miraculous life, filled with joy, love, experiences and everything in between. So if that means letting go, I am going for it. Trusting my body as my best friend, guiding me through all of it.

Baby steps, that’s how it starts. The little in-between moments, making different choices, dropping the walls now and then. And don’t stop. Go for what you desire in life, and don’t let anyone tell you it’s impossible.

You are a gift in this world and you are bringing something that no one else can. We’re not meant to live under constant pressure, pain, and heartache.

We deserve to be free, happy, and alive.